The Modern Take on Filial Piety

A few recent and well-publicized examples of especially un-filial children have prompted debate on the subject. After neighbors called a television station, one particularly disrespectful daughter-in-law got down on her knees and begged her mother-in-law for mercy. In another incident, Lu Shao-yen, who killed his mother, was asked by a judge if he would kill his father if he got out of prison, and, much to everyone's surprise, he responded "I don't know." Sometimes these wayward children are attracted simply by money, as was the case when six daughters collectively sued their mother for her inheritance.

Another item that garnered a lot of discussion in Taiwan over this past year involved the entertainer Tsao Hsi-ping, who sued his brother for not taking care of their father. And the reports of old people being abandoned or of losing contact with their children, who have gone missing, point to an even graver social problem.

These widely reported cases have also caught the attention of the government. The Legislative Yuan last year drafted its Parental Support Law. The Nantou County government once planned to impose stiff penalties against those who abandon their parents and require that they take a filial piety class. And in recent years medical care and social welfare for the elderly have become issues that politicians dare not overlook.

Is filial piety dead?

Chuang Hui-chu explains that there was considerable friction between the generations in the 1980s as a result of Taiwan's transformation from an agricultural to industrial society. Thirteen years ago, Living Psychology Monthly published a book The New Chinese Conception of Filial Piety that Chuang edited. Now the director of psygarden.com, she explains that industrial development was greatly affecting Taiwanese society, and many people were finding it difficult to adjust. The social welfare system was not yet firmly established, and the government and NGOs found it hard to take over from the traditional family in providing care for the elderly. The older generation's belief that "one should care for one's elders until the end of their lives" was still deeply entrenched, and seniors simply couldn't deal with the reality of being moved into a nursing home. Moreover, cases were beginning to surface of old folks being utterly abandoned.

Among the intergenerational developments raising eyebrows and causing debate at the time were the following: sons and daughters-in-law unwilling to live with their parents after marriage; younger women leaving home to earn a wage and thereby shifting power in the relationship between the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law; children demanding to make their own decisions about work and marriage; and the government encouraging three generations to live together under the same roof. In short, the screws were loosening on many of the structures that supported traditional notions about filial piety.

The problem of the elderly being abandoned by their children is hardly a problem specific to modern times. "But in agricultural society these issues were more likely to be dealt with by the elders of the family clan, who assigned other relatives to take responsibility for them," says Chuang Hui-chiu. She notes that a high level of urbanization resulted in changes in the social environment, so that young people left their hometowns to work for a living and women began entering the workforce. This made it more difficult for the younger generation to respect traditional notions of filial piety.

For instance, in the past, when transportation wasn't as well developed, it was easy to live in accord with the precept "when your parents are alive, don't travel far." Travel, however, is practically the normal state for modern people, and many parents have been sending their children abroad to study in the hope that they have bright futures. But once the children grow wings, it is only natural for them to stay abroad to work. "The older generation devoted themselves to their children, using their life savings to allow their children to go and study overseas," says Chuang. "When they got old, they wanted to spend time with their grandchildren, but their dream of spending their last years indulging themselves and playing with their grandchildren was shattered. You can imagine the kind of generational conflict that this has caused."

Yang Kuo-shu, a research fellow at Academia Sinica who has researched the social changes that took place in Taiwan during the 1980s, points out that in an agricultural society, the land binds the generations together. Since the father controls the land, he has power over his children even if they are grown. But today children rely on their own efforts to make a living. They have higher incomes and higher social standing, and they lead busier lives with more emphasis placed on material gain. Where the generations experience friction, the level of tolerance is naturally lower and the conflicts more obvious.

Where have their studies led them?

With the advent of universal education, the world of children who are highly educated has little overlap with the world of their poorly educated parents. They are in contact with completely different levels of society. In particular, children who have high educations and high social status are not as good at staying at home and accompanying their parents as their less educated siblings.

In theory, highly educated children with abundant financial resources ought to have more power to fulfill their filial duties, but an industrial and commercial society values material gain and shows little concern about separation. People of higher status often have to invest more and more energy in their careers. "Why is it that the more people study the less filial they seem?" wonders Chang Meng-jui, a senior reporter at the Min Sheng Daily who is a long-time observer of social phenomena. Last year when the singing star Tsao Hsi-ping led his father to court to sue his older brother (a dentist), many people found it difficult to understand why a high-income doctor was unwilling to give financial support to his elderly father.

What's more, with advances in medical science, people are living longer. The elderly may be bedridden or five or ten years. This has put even more pressure on people. As the saying goes, "The long-term bedridden have no filial sons." One man who works in the maintenance department of the Grand Hotel and occasionally moonlights as a taxi driver recalls that before his 87-year-old father passed away, the old man was bedridden for a year and a half. He, the son, took personal responsibility for caring for him. When his own son asked him if it wouldn't be easier just to put his father in a nursing home, he responded, "What do old people really hope for at that stage? Not being nursed back to health, but rather being able to open their eyes and see their children in the last stretch of their life." Then the taxi driver told his son, "I get your drift! In the future I won't trouble you." He laments that no parents these days dare to expect anything from their children.

A winner of the Filial Award, Kuo Tung-yao, who runs a senior care facility in Taichung, says that children who have grown up amid affluence and lack experience of hardship take for granted the good times and can't really understand the hardships endured by the older generation, so they do not feel the need to give anything back. Kuo Tung-yao went away to study when he was just 12, but his adoration of his parents never dissipated. Although he had nine siblings, when he graduated from teacher's college, he didn't consider doing anything but applying to teach at Yuanli High School, to make it convenient for him to help care for his parents in their old age. "The fact is that I am very grateful to my parents, who never complained about the hardships they bore," he says. "Having seen that makes you naturally want to be responsible yourself."

Eight years ago Chien Chun-an, a professor of Social Welfare at Tunghai University, asked his students if they'd be willing to live with their parents after they married, and 20% responded affirmatively. Then, four years ago, he asked the same question, and only 4% responded affirmatively. Last year, none expressed a willingness to live with their parents. "Modern parents have money and only a few kids, and worry only about whether their kids are studying well and eating right." Kuo reminds parents to realize that nowadays it's hard to expect anything from the kids.

Breaking the filial absolutes

In fact, consider this traditional Taiwanese proverb: "Spare not your last hog for your children's sake; but don't even give old folks a pair of chopsticks." It's clear that unfilial behavior is hardly an exclusively modern problem. When exploring the reasons behind the collapse of filial piety in modern times, the factors are very complex.

On the surface, it may appear that modern people are indeed less and less respectful of their parents-what with the media harping on examples of children abandoning, murdering, or suing their parents. But "back when traditional filial piety was the only model for intergenerational relations, there were also many problems," argues Chuang Hui-chiu. In the past, everyone held an idealized version of home. When social change exposed problems to the light of day, people started talking about them. This discussion is healthy.

Unconditional obedience to one's father used to be regarded as the central tenet of Chinese family relationships. This dogma not only harmed children by neglecting their feelings and intentionally ignoring their individuality, it also overlooked the differences between families. Yeh Kuang-hui, an assistant research fellow at the Institute of Ethnology at Academia Sinica, has researched traditional Chinese conceptions of filial piety. He points out that the result of such social precepts as "parents can do no wrong" and "there are three major offenses against filial piety, and the gravest of all is not producing an heir" is an autocratic family. It offers a kind of "absolute" or compulsory filial piety that no longer holds water. "If this kind of absolute filial piety was held up as the model for intergenerational relationships," argues Yeh, "I don't think only the younger generation would be opposing it. Since parents love their kids, I'm rather certain that most parents wouldn't want it either."

A more humane relationship

Indeed, a careful examination of how social change is altering the parent-child relationship reveals that not all the changes are bad. For example, society didn't used to allow a daughter-in-law to pay much attention to her own parents, but now many married couples practice the principle of "each to his or her own parents." It is no longer unheard of for a husband to spend the holidays with his wife's family. These days people are saying that "rather than gain a daughter-in-law one loses a son." But it's just not accurate. "Actually, the way of thinking has become 'whose parents need more care?'" Chuang Hui-chiu holds that many of the compulsory family duties of the past were not humane. Why should a couple have to place the husband's family in front of the wife's family? Why should a son have to be more devoted to his parents than a daughter? Should a couple live with the husband's parents after they marry? When choosing one's profession or spouse, should parental opinions still matter? Today, these questions can all be discussed openly, which shows that people now look at family relationships from a more humane point of view.

The general public's reactions to various recent controversies show that people are taking fairer and more varied views of filial piety. The year before last, the singer Yuki's grandfather publicly expressed his wish to reunite with Yuki and her mother (his daughter-in-law). Yuki and her mother, on the other hand, declared publicly that it was unfair for the old man to abandon the family when he was young and now suddenly expect his offspring to support him. The whole affair caused quite a controversy, and some thought since Yuki was financially able, she should be more sympathetic and take care of the old man. "But it was obvious that society was no longer responding by simply saying 'parents can do no wrong,'" says Yeh Kuang-hui. Yeh believes that social progress has undermined the traditional authoritarian relationship between generations, causing it to be gradually discarded.

Examples such as Yuki's are important because they can remind parents to reflect upon their own behavior. Yeh points out that after a father has physically or emotionally abused a child, then it is asking too much to expect the child to be filial when he or she grows up. That kind of parental behavior cannot be justified today.

"When society begins to build the foundations of family life on the feelings of each of its members, then distinctions between what is and isn't filial need to become finer," says Chuang Hui-chiu. Chuang explains that the intergenerational relationship is more complicated these days and requires more nuance and understanding. But no matter how much harder it is at first, parents and children ultimately find a new relationship that works.

Feedback education

Take the problem of the ever-clashing mother and daughter-in-law living under one roof. During the 1970s and 1980s, women were constantly trying to find some reason to move out of their in-laws' homes. Because such a desire was considered immoral, they had to think up all kinds of excuses to get what they wanted. They were under a lot of pressure. Back then, any woman who didn't want to play the traditional role of daughter-in-law had serious problems with her in-laws. Today, it is more socially acceptable for children to live on their own. "Many people find that the up-close living arrangements of the past were painful for all concerned: the mother, the daughter-in-law and the son who was stuck in between," notes Lu Lo, assistant professor of Department of Psychology at Fu-Jen Catholic University, who also has a positive take on modern views about filial piety.

With the growing number of single parent families and DINKs (Double Income No Kids), modern people have a broader understanding and greater acceptance of what makes a home. What's more, today's young parents themselves have grown up in a freer atmosphere when the entire culture was changing. And so, as a result of all these factors combined, the outlook on filial piety within society as a whole has taken a 180-degree turn.

According to a new research study conducted by the National Health Research Institute of the Department of Health, only 1.5% of young parents list "raising sons as insurance against the insecurity of old age" as the main reason for having children. An investigative report on intergenerational relationships by Fu-Jen Catholic University has also discovered that modern parents' expectations of their children have quietly changed. Now their highest hopes are not for their kids to be a smashing success or to provide for them well in old age and give them proper burials, but rather just for their kids to become independent and not become burdens on them.

Lu Lo reckons that after a period of conflicts between the generations, people are now looking at things more calmly. Getting feedback from the more independent younger generation, parents are also learning to be independent themselves. "Parents should set their kids free, and not just so as to lighten the burdens on their kids," Lu says. "In the past, while putting all their expectations on their kids, parents stifled their own potential for growth." He discovered that many seniors felt bitter upon entering old age and discovering that they could not live close to their children. It affected their mental outlook for the entire latter period of their lives.

Moms and dads stand up

"Social change may engender in people a sense of loss and may force them to make changes, but a human being is a living organism and can always turn a corner," says Lu Lo. "The elderly have put down their duties in life and can now have a richer spiritual life." Lu Lo divides seniors' lives into three aspects: their physical health, their financial well-being, and their emotional state. In the past, many parents put their hopes in their children for all three and ended up with nothing. But for the last ten years or so, these three needs of the elderly have been dealt with separately.

Take their emotional states, for instance. For many elders, their spouses and friends are good companions for their later years. Many no longer look forward to the days of three generations under one roof, and many even hope for their children to grow up and leave home soon, so they can enjoy a care-free retirement. Parents who think this way pay more attention to their own health and have money saved for retirement. "In the past people raised kids as insurance against the insecurity of old age. Now people enjoy their retirement and guard their retirement money against their kids," said a representative from the Taichung Seniors' Club at the Elders Summit. "We're healthy and wealthy. Why would we want to live with them?"

"Parents have to adjust to the times. Everybody is no longer always together, like they were when this was an agricultural society. Now I've learned to use e-mail to communicate with my kids and grandkids," said Kuo Tung-yao, the CEO of Hungtao Nursing Home, the first nursing home in Taiwan to provide daycare for seniors. With the establishment of private senior nursing homes and social welfare support from the government, modern elders have more support and choices, and as a result the intergenerational relationship has changed.

Recently, the two generations have been fighting over national spending and social resources. Is there no longer any need for filial piety? Can society say farewell to it?

A return to loving fathers and devoted sons

"The principle of filial piety includes both material and spiritual levels," says Yeh Kuang-hui. According to his research, in traditional Chinese society the material or concrete manifestations of filial piety have always changed with the times and the environment. There has never been a set formula. For example, people generally think that three generations under one roof has long been the dominant living arrangement in Chinese society. But this is incorrect. There were many periods in Chinese history when small nuclear family households outnumbered extended family households. "It is clear that the content of filial piety has to adjust in quality or quantity to keep up with the changes in the greater environment," writes Yeh Kuang-hui in his article "Changes in Taiwanese Conceptions of Filial Piety."

Although filial conduct changes with the times, "spiritually, the affections that connect the two generations never disappear" writes Yeh, who explains that spiritually filial piety is based on the principle of "giving back" and that mutual affections are of paramount importance. Filial piety is something akin to the Confucian concept of "a loving father and devoted son." Being a loving father means having responsibilities, duties, and affections. It means giving first and receiving equal returns later. Isn't a harmonious relationship built on this basis the kind of parent-child interaction modern society is talking about?

Yeh points out that ever since the May Fourth Movement of 1919, the traditional principle of filial piety was deemed to be dogmatism. The principle of filial piety was connected to loyalty to the emperor and was thus authoritarian. In modern society, everybody is an independent individual, and so today we talk about relative filial piety.

Chuang Hui-chiu, who has been observing parent-child relationships for a long time, thinks that no matter how social values change, the essential love between family members will never change. And among the various loving family relationships, the love between parents and their children is the deepest of all. Because of love, parents take care of their children, and the children remain devoted to and supportive of their parents. The connection between the generations is innate, and the love between them comes naturally. "It's just that the Chinese have traditionally called it 'filial piety,'" says Chuang. Perhaps because in the past filial piety had become a hard-and-fast standard that required everyone to abide by it without exception, Chuang continues, it had become a heavy burden on the children. But the basic feelings of filial piety would not change just because the patterns of interaction between the two generations had. "As long as there is a parent-child relationship, there will be this love."

Spiritual filial piety is the same the world over. Everyone is connected to their family and the caring between two generations is natural. The givers now will one day receive. This kind of filial piety, which is built around basic feelings of human nature, is not exclusive to Chinese society. Yeh Kuang-hui, who is still researching the topic of filial piety, has lots of friends doing research on this subject in the United States and Australia.

The family's love will never change

Yeh's report, published in 1997, points out that over the last 20 years in Taiwanese society, as a result of industrialization, urbanization, democratization, and diversification, the original authoritarian parent-child relationship has obviously weakened. As a result, people no longer care so much about "suppressing one's own desires to please one's parents" or "protecting and glorifying one's parents." On the other hand, due to the love between parents and children and religious factors, concepts related to filial piety such as "respecting parents" and "supporting parents while they are alive and making offerings to them after they are dead" are still deemed important.

Based on real life observations, people in Taiwan are still a lot more devoted to their parents than Westerners. Just look at the traffic jams during the holidays: most members of the younger generation won't let their parents celebrate the holidays alone.

As soon as children are born, parents care for them without asking for anything in return. Growing up loved, youngsters never stop appreciating even when casting their glances outward. With parents growing old, children naturally feel the urge to take care of their parents. Precisely because this love will never die, many people-even in today's busy industrial and commercial society-find some arrangement acceptable to both parents and self. For example, although nowadays some young people won't live with their parents, they might live upstairs, downstairs, or the next alley over from their parents. With this kind of arrangement in metropolitan areas, there is no need to return to three generations living under one roof.

Beyond support

Precisely because the love connecting the two generations is eternal, the draft of the Parental Support Law in the Legislative Yuan last year immediately caused a controversy. Can the law regulate the love between parents and their children? Does giving monthly financial support equate with displaying filial piety? But even if the nation and society can provide seniors with ample public assistance and medical care, the methods are crude and what they offer limited.

On the material level, a senior's problems should not of course be borne by a single child alone. Every family has its share of elders, and society has to share responsibility for supporting them. Therefore, there is a need for expenditures on senior welfare, annuities, and medical insurance. But social welfare provides simply for one's material needs, and human beings have other needs as well.

At the Taichung Hungtao Nursing Home, which provides daytime care for elders, the sense of loneliness and helplessness so common to nursing homes and asylums is nowhere to be seen. Under the attentive care of the volunteers and with all kinds of activities, the elders here are like kindergarten kids. Every so often, they happily laugh. After the afternoon nap, many elders start to look restless, and some even become anxious. The reason is that they, just like kindergarten kids, suffer from "late afternoon syndrome," and become eager for their children to come pick them up. The modern outlook on filial piety may be changing, but mankind will never cease to need love and warmth between a parent and child.

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Are children a lifetime concern for parents? In order to minimize the amount of interdependence between parent and child, the new generation of parents is coming to expect independence rather than success from their children.

(facing page) In addition to the support of social welfare programs, old people also require attention from their families.

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Traditional parents bend over backwards for the sake of the family and often end up neglecting their own bodily and mental health in the process.

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Caring for the elderly exerts a lot of strain on familial relations. The many instances of elderly folk getting lost or being abandoned is a disturbing social issue.

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With the advent of industry and the rise of cities, traditional parent-child relationships face a number of challenges. Seeing solitary elderly folk in small farming villages is common nowadays.

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Though the old system of three generations under one roof may not necessarily the best arrangement, maintaining families in contemporary society nonetheless requires effort from everyone.

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The bond between parents and children is the most powerful kind to be found in life. When our parents age, we must take it upon ourselves to take care of them, (left) just as they so selflessly did for us earlier in life (facing page).

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At Hungtao Nursing Home in Taichung, a group of singing senior citizens wait to be picked up and taken home by their children. The day care center helps working folk take care of the infirm elderly.

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Today's elderly folk know how to make the most of their golden years and accordingly pay more attention to their health and finances.